When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had constant nightmares about men trying to kill me and about fires consuming me. I was already dead inside, so what was the point of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt nothing but pain and grief.
I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every day. All day. But did I really want to die? Do you?
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I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep down that was what I really wanted. I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking point. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning under its weight.
I had to decide. Live or die? Which will you choose?
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I know your pain. I feel your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, so can you. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel. I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves.
You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three. This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.
I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion. When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.
I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going. This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. This pain is insidious. I would weigh the pros and the cons. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart.
I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I had no passion. For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to think about before you swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin. Remember this saying, because it really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke up with your first love and you thought would never love again?
You did. The way that you are feeling right now will not last.
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Do you feel misunderstood? I have never really had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I have are men. I have always wondered what it was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? My personality is literally different than the majority of the world. I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a house with a white picket fence. What if they were something I had created to keep myself in a safe little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?
So what if you need to find a place where you do fit in, and so what if the love of your life might be taking their time finding you? Remember what Dr.
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There is no one alive that is Youer than You. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because you will be gone, but now your friends and family will feel your pain for the rest of their lives. They will wonder every day what they did wrong. How they could have helped. Why they failed. Is this the legacy you want to leave? Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them?
Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why? Is your time on this earth over? Do you believe you have nothing to offer? What will people say after you die? Even if you do not see your value, others do.
Each one of us is unique and has special talents.
Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. The very act of trying to figure it out will bring some hope for the future. For the longest time I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, one day I realized that I have always had something to say even if no one wanted to listen , and that became the roadmap for my new life.
One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything changed. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it. Being brought to my knees because of life struggles painful memories of beatings and screaming, scarred when being taken into a pastors home from a broken home calling me son, saying he loves me but after 3 and a half years abandons me fuck you!
Too many fake ass people.